Has it come to this?

A few days ago the postmodern semi-Christian neo-Leninist folk at the humbly-named blog The Weblog claimed that all Top 40 music today sounds like the Christian pop of a few years ago -- bland and cheerful.

This gave me a chill because I happen to know that most of that shit is Swedish. If Socialism is converging with dilute Christianity, we're all doomed. You couldn't have a  better image of The Last Person (non-sexist language -- OK?) than Britney Spears.

The Swede Max Martin produces Britney. The Swede Anders "Bag" Bagge produces Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Lopez. The Swede Patrik Berger produces Hilary Duff.

Other Swedish producers include Fredrik Nordström, Bo Anders Larsson, Pelle Gunnerfeld, Bobby Ljunggren, Jakob Hellner, Tore Johansen, Lars Enochson, Johan Forsman, Michael Ilbert, Pecca Project, Cari Lekebusch, Aril Brikha, Denniz Pop, Adam Kviman, Daniel Skantze, Hakan Lidbo, Andreas Tilliander, Martin Terefe, Mats Lindfors, Eric Prydz, Marco Manieri, Dan Swanö, Michael Rickfors, Tomas Barford,  and Lasse Englund. And then I quit Googling.

It's not just a few guys. It's a whole evil nation. Socialism has come to this.

I'm sure it's Abba's fault. If I were named Fernando, I'd sue their asses. "No, no, we Italians are NOT all romantic, sexy guys who like to screw blondes. You've got us wrong.  Some of us are sensitive guys uncertain about our sexual identity. Some of us are just too busy to spend two weeks with blondes on vacation. Some of us have lives."

Abba rolled over their profits into industry -- supposedly they're the tenth largest corporation in Sweden.  I've been told they make auto parts and heavy equipment. I know they make pickled herring -- I've had it, and it was mushy.  That ethereal blonde with the pure voice could be your boss. She could be sitting there behind her desk, coolly giving you a bad performance review and putting you on probation. Take THAT, Fernando! (Except that she's too high on the totem pole to even talk to the likes of you.)

Icelandic musicians are much better, but they're outnumbered something like 40-to-1. Norway gave us death metal, plus Arne Naess's grandniece Leona (via Diana Ross), and Don Cherry's kids Neneh and Eagle Eye. (Jan Garbarek was actually pretty good, check out his ECM stuff.)

Don Cherry was a fantastic guy, an avant-garde musician from Oklahoma by the way of LA. He was one of the inventors of world music, which I do like. (Look up his ECM stuff too.)

Arne Naess was a fantastic guy -- a mountain-climber and WWII Resistance fighter, and one of the big names in environmental philosophy.

Suddenly, Armageddon looks warm and fuzzy. Bring on the seven-headed dragon. The Anti-Christ isn't all that bad, once you get to know him.

Add the Backstreet Boys, N' Synch, and Ricky Martin.

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I am emersonj at gmail dot com.

Original materials copyright John J Emerson

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